What If I Wanted To Break

Why?

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 07:07:47 GMT

What's even the point anymore? I mean, I wake up, go to class, maybe do homework, mediocre at best, take a nap, don't sleep at night. Why even bother. If it wasn't for my sister I wouldn't still be here. Sometimes I hate the fact that she's the reason I stick around. But I would feel so bad leaving her now. She has too many memories of me. It would break her little heart. It would have been easier to kill myself a couple years ago, but I didn't have the guts then. Now that I do I'm tied down, left alone to brood in my misery. Life sucks.

I'm Back

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 22:06:35 GMT

I'm back after being gone for 16 long weeks. Nothing too exciting. No reason for me not to post, I just didn't. But no one reads this anyway. So tomorrow I'm starting on a crackers-and-water diet. For 10 weeks. That will take me up to Thanksgiving, roughly. My grandfather is paying me $500 to lose 50 pounds. But I have to do it by New Year's.

Anyways, I'm in college now and am rather ambivalent about it. I don't really have any close friends yet, but I'm starting to mingle more. I have to force myelf because it's so much easier just to go into my room and sit there or sleep or do homework. I like being alone, but I hate it just the same. Sometimes I wish I was back at home, with my boyfriend and my old friends, where everything was already comfortable. I'm trying to shed my old identity and create a new one but it's not working so well. I'm falling back into the habits that are the bane of my existence, but that I love so much. My life is full of contradictions. *sigh*

B-day

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 19:35:03 GMT

Happy Birthday to me.

18 years.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 03:56:32 GMT

FRIENDS ONLY FROM NOW ON!! COMMENT TO BE ADDED!!

What to do?

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 20:59:18 GMT

I don't understand how someone can just throw everything away. Relationship wise I mean. You invest time and trust and love, and that person becomes a part of yourself. So what do you do when they leave? What do you do when suddenly your best friend decides to dump you simply because... What do you do everytime you see her and start to cry? How do you forget?

It's been over a year since we've stopped being friends. And it still hurts just as much as it always has. I continue to torture myself by reading her lj, and it sucks to know that she's doing perfectly fine without me and I'm crying everyday. The emotional pain brings me to my knees. She saved my life nearly two years ago when I wanted to kill myself, and now she's taking it away, second by second.

After her dad died this summer, she called me and said that she was sorry and that she shouldn't have held onto the grudge for so long. After learning the "sanctity of life" she knew she had to let it go. She said it would be cool to hang out again. Of course, my initial reaction was excitement because I'd missed her so much. But then I realized if she hurt me once she could do it again, and I couldn't survive it if that did indeed happen.

So I don't know what's worse...sitting here crying now for what's been lost or getting back together as friends and waiting to be hurt. Either way I'm screwed. And I don't know what to do.

I Can't Stop Crying

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 03:08:24 GMT

I was just reading through an old friend's lj. And after reading it I can't stop crying. I miss her and I think about her everyday. I cry about losing her a lot too. Call me sensitive, I don't care. I'm leaving it at that, because I don't want to sound too much like a wimp. But I'm hurting, and I can't make it go away.

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 02:59:04 GMT

Ugh, kill me.

End of story.

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 23:22:34 GMT

I stole some razors.

So I won't be cut free much longer.

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 00:35:16 GMT

SI Free: 7 days

Sober: 29 days

Wed, 24 May 2006 02:37:30 GMT

Hello

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 19:13:18 GMT

I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 23:53:03 GMT

I must admit that my friday wasn't that great. It was Wes's birthday. I can't believe it's already been 16 months since he died. It doesn't seem that long ago. It's the same for Chelsea and six months for Rabbit. In all reality, what's the point of life? Nothing we do in this life matters in death. All that's left of us is memories and then once the people who hold your memories are gone, you are completely erased from time. It seems so pointless...because it is.

"In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in you heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling 'Make it go away'
Just make a smile back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered 'how can you do this to me?'

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you"

-"Hate Me" by Blue October

Avril Lavigne Lyrics

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 21:26:35 GMT

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

Na na la la la na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oooooh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by

Now your gone, now your gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now your gone, now your gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere your not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day i found it won't be the same noo..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...

Nah nah, nah nah nah, nah nah
I miss you

Why?

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 23:28:53 GMT

Why am I such a fucking dumbass?

I hate myself.

Bad Day

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 22:51:49 GMT

Daniel Powter
Bad Day

Where is the moment when we need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on

Stand in the line just ahead of the law
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carrying on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink and the whole thing it turns out Wrong
You might not make it back and you know that you could be well oh that Strong
Well I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 01:19:23 GMT

Sometimes...it's so hard to let go...

I miss you everyday.

I'm still wallowing in despair over what I could have done.

Why wasn't I enough?

Why have I never been enough?

Lately it's been hard, remembering you. I don't know why. Maybe it's because you always understood me. It always seemed that you and I shared the same experiences. Now I have no one to share them with. No one will ever know me the way you did. I won't let them. The day you took your life, you took mine with you. I haven't been a whole person since then. It's been almost 15 months now, but the pain is just as strong. You always told me that you'd be that little star in the sky, in the northern sky, but I can't find you. When it's cloudy outside and I need someone to love me and hold me and be there for me, I can't find you. Your memory takes my breath away. I feel like I'm dying. I get all choked up when things remind me of you. You said you would always be there for me, but you aren't. The very day you said that, you put a bullet through your head. I want to hate you, but how can I, when I alone know how much pain you were in? Where are you now? Are you a star, like you said you'd be, or are you floating in a netherworld? Are you happy? Because I'm not. You were my inspiration, your strength gave me hope. How can I respect your strength when you gave in to the weakness? How do you expect me not to cry over you? I miss you like hell. I think about you all the time, I dream about you. And you aren't here. You never will be again. And I don't know if I can take that. It's been a long, hard road without you here. I keep so much stuff inside me because no one but you could possibly understand. You were the first to know about everything, and you loved me unconditionally. I still love you with all my heart, but do you still love me? Are you capable of any emotion? I don't know what to do with myself with you gone. I can't handle it any longer. I forgave you, as hard as it was. Will you forgive me, should I choose to follow in your footsteps?

???

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 02:52:40 GMT

Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

Well I had a whole paragraph written before this one, but I deleted it. It doesn't belong online. I need to do what I'm told...hold it in...then bleed it out.

Please SAVE me from MYSELF.

Quotes

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 19:58:40 GMT

When I push you AWAY is when I need you the MOST

Sometimes when I say "Oh, I'm fine" I want someone to look me in the eye and say "Tell me the truth"

Randomness...

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 20:27:57 GMT

Telecrastination - the act of always letting the phone righ at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What am I doing here?

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 07:21:18 GMT

It's 2:12 a.m. and I'm watching LOTR. I know I'm a loser you don't have to tell me. But I can't sleep. I haven't slept in two days. I haven't eaten in two days. Shit, I haven't done anything in two days. I can't do anything. I feel like I'm trapped, like no matter where I go I will not have gone anywhere. I want to get away from me, but that's the one thing in this goddamn world I can never escape. I can't even describe how I feel right now. I don't think there's a way. I want to cry but I can't. I want to cut but I can't. I want to die but I can't. All I can do is type (for whatever reason) these words on this page, knowing that no one will read them. I've always been alone in this world and I always will be. For however long I choose to remain here.

I have the razor to my wrist.

Dare me to press down. Because I'm ready.

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 02:24:17 GMT

I just turned 17 and I guess I'm becoming naive in my old age. I guess it's what I get for living in a "perfect world" inside my head. To all of you in Las Vegas...FUCK OFF. Don't be surpised if I "graduate" on January 24.

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 22:40:56 GMT

I find out my results tomorrow...

I'm fucking scared.

I need a hug :(

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 21:43:08 GMT

Knowing that I could die in the next year ... it's a weird feeling.

But hey, at least I'm preparing for the worst.

Holidays??? What holidays?!?!?!

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 02:15:37 GMT

I just put up the Christmas tree all by myself.

Nothing else will get you more in the mood for the holidays!

And people wonder why I fucking hate Christmas.

A heart is breakable, but it still beats just the same

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 22:50:11 GMT

The title says it all.